New comedy added to Funny Stuff I Get in My Inbox!
COLLEGE FOOTBALL – NORTH V. SOUTH
WOMEN’S ACCESSORIES
North: Chapstick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.
South: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, water-proof mascara, and a fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary – that’s what dates are for.
STADIUM SIZE
North: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people
South: High School football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
FATHERS
North: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath
South: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.
ATTIRE
North: Male and female alike: wooly sweater or sweatshirt and jeans.
South: Male – pressed khakis, oxford shirt, cap with team logo. Female – ankle-length skirt, coordinated cardigan, flat riding boots.
ALUMNI
North: Take prospects on sailing trips before they join the law firm.
South: Take prospects on fishing trip so they don’t leave for NFL before their senior year.
CAMPUS DECOR
North: Statues of founding fathers.
South: Statues of Heisman Trophy Winners.
HOMECOMING QUEEN
North: Also a physics major.
South: Also Miss USA
HEROES
North: Mario Cuomo
South: Steve Spurrier
GETTING TICKETS
North: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and purchase tickets.
South: 5 months before the game walk into the ticket office on campus and put name on waiting list for tickets.
FRIDAY CLASSES AFTER A THURSDAY NIGHT GAME
North: Students and teacher are not sure if they are going to the game, because they have classes on Friday.
South: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don’t want to see the few hungover students that might actually make it to class.
PARKING
North: An hour before game time the University opens the campus for game parking.
South: RV’s sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.
GAME DAY
North: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
South: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting “Game Day Live” to get on camera and wave to the idiots up North who wonder why “Game Day Live” is never broadcast from their campus.
TAILGATING
North: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
South: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by “Hootie and the Blowfish,” who come over during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon.
GETTING TO THE STADIUM
North: You ask “Where’s the stadium?”. When you find it, you walk right in.
South: When you’re near it, you’ll hear it. On game day it becomes the state’s third largest city.
CONCESSIONS
North: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.
South: Drinks served in a plastic cup with the home team’s mascot on it. Filled less than halfway with soda, to ensure enough room for bourbon.
WHEN NATIONAL ANTHEM IS PLAYED
North: Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them stand up.
South: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect 3-part harmony.
THE SMELL IN THE AIR AFTER THE FIRST SCORE
North: Nothing changes.
South: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.
COMMENTARY (MALE)
North: “Nice play.”
South: “Dammit, you slow sumbitch – tackle him and break his legs !!”
COMMENTARY (FEMALE)
North: “My, this certainly is a violent sport.”
South: “Dammit, you slow sumbitch – tackle him and break his legs !!”
ANNOUNCERS
North: Neutral and paid.
South: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.
AFTER THE GAME
North: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
South: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker. Somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon. Planning begins for next week’s game.