Posts tagged “Jack Handey”

I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Cave Man the best. We called him Uncle Cave Man because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he’d eat one of us. Later on we found out he was a bear.
from Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy’s arm behind his back. Now who’s asking the questions?
from Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don’t think I’d call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp’s gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.
from Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you’re in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don’t know what to tell you.
from Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Most people don’t realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
from Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

I wish I could shrink down to the size of an ant. And maybe there would be thousands of other people shrunken down to ant-size, and we would get together and dig tunnels down into the ground and live there But don’t ever call us ‘ants,’ because we hate that.
from Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, ‘No speaka English.’
from Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then, I told myself, “Go ahead and do whatever you want, it’s okay by me.
from Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let’s say you’re an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he’s not Dracula, but you can just say, “Think again, bat man.”
from Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable — until I realized it wasn’t a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
from Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey